if i were to confess - IV (some flashbacks and...)

i have this craving for writing now, well... i still have time to catch up before the final exam on the 14th and project demo on the 11th of Dec.

i was maybe 18-19 when there were a series of classic movies on the big screen for a week or so in Tehran and although it wasn't easy to get the tickets, i remember i cut out the list from the paper and highlighted some and went to stand in lines for hours to see them.

one of them was The Passion of Joan of Arc, translated as the "Troubles of Jeanne d'Arc" in Persian. i was really moved by the film, i also read some reviews about it on the film journals, and found out how the girl who played the role of Jeanne changed all the way during the shooting. she never made another film afterwards and although she wasn't a method actor, she got affected so much by the role she slipped into that her life altered.
this i could not forget for a long time.

a few years later, i noticed how passionately some friends and co-workers were talking about the character of Scarlet in "Gone With The Wind" and the girl who played the role of Scarlet, and how close she had found her own character to Scarlet's in the story. i hadn't seen the film, i hadn't read the book and was curious about what they are talking about. they were also so interested in "The Thorn Birds" and the character of the girl (whose name i don't remember) in the movie.
i got these two movies from friends and watched them. well i know i shouldn't compare these two, but to me they were kinda cheesy dramas, especially the latter; and the chracters of the girls, well, not so deep that i expected!

i never got round to finish the "Gone With The wind" novel that my friend lent me and recommanded me to read. but i do remember when i was interested in English Literature at school, i first found Robert Frost's works interesting, then those of T.S. Elliot, then Yeats, Sylvia Path, Emily Dickinson, Shakespeare, ... and read their works day and night, then was nicely recommanded by my teacher to read J.D. Salinger's , particularly "The Catcher in the Rye". although i never had the chance to find the original book in Iran(then) and its translation was collected from the bookstores (as a result of censorship at the time), i finally read it when i came here, which became one of my fave books and led me to read more of his works...

now, when i talk to people of my generation (excluding some of those whose fields of study have been literature, film-making, creative writing, liberal arts) i feel it hard to find a serious subject to discuss for at least an hour.

it's so sad to see that many young people are only into partying and clubbing, latest fashion, make-up secrets, muscle toning and diet programs, cars, video games, latest cell-phones, BlackBerry, iPod, , ... and they judge you only by these criteria. (sadly enough they don't even try to choose the talents in the world of, say, fashion, make-up, music,... but follow blindly what is fed into them by mainstream media.)
not to mention what they seek to do as a career is taking easy rides of doing simple jobs that don't challenge their brains/creativity much.
this is a worldwide issue, although to my obseration, it gets uglier and deeper among the young people of my own country, which i will get back to in my later posts!

i have this "friend" who's changed her path since 5-6 years ago so much so that now she says: "they don't judge you by what qualifications you have, but by how much money you make. and i look forward to stepping high enough to make at least 60k by doing "administrative assitant", "secretarial" job someday soon."
and if you ask her to name a movie she likes, she immediately screams: "Alfie", and if you ask her to name a music band she likes most, she will stare at you like you're questioning her on quantum physics. well, obviously you can't be so mean to ask her to name a writer or a great film-maker, ..., eh?

but where am I and where is she standing now?
i'm left behind ... trying to make ends meet, unhappy, unmotivated, in doubt, ... in despair.
and she? joyous, happy, just got two mortgages, ... moving to a better-paid job, you name it.

if the system doesn't mind that you lie in your resume, lie in your job interview, lie to your co-workers, boss,..., what is the problem then?
i don't know... the problem is perhaps me and people like me who can't conform to this freaking situation, when you should choose vile over the virtue in order to survive.

* more on "The Passion of Joan of Arc" just in case you are interested.

if i were to confess - III

this is not a diary or a bio, i go back and forth... things that are bothering me rush into my head just like that and i don't edit.

selfishness is human heritage. and i believe the more you are selfish, and you expect the others to give service to you, the longer will you live (and by living, i don't mean with honor and joy or productivity), the longer will you suffer, the more will you be a burden on the others' shoulders...

when i was 21 or so, once i was sitting with firends talking of many things, suddenly the question of "how long would you like to live?" was brought up. to their surprise, i said: 48.
i couldn't see myself growing into an old person, and being dependent on others, or unhealthy...
it's strange because upto that point, my grand-parents, both the living and dead ones, had been living good lives, independent and healthy.

but weren't there some unconscious things/events that made me feel like that?
when i look back, i remember when i was still 4-7 years old, i always felt very moved seeing any old person walking in the street, especially if they had a stooped back and deep lines on face and hands, or seeing an old person, all in poor clothings, begging money from the passers-by.
i felt so helpless and i remember how much i wanted to do something or make others pay attention.

i grew up while my childhood games (call it "play house") with my brother or my freinds, were all me wanting to pretend to be a homeless, living in the street... starving and feeling cold!
i do believe that child-hood thoughts and events can impact the personality when you grow up.
but i have never got round to find the sources of these childhood thoughts and emotions.
my mom didn't like this game i liked so much to play then, so i used to play it when she wasn't around...

when i was younger, around 18-24, i used to see my future very bleak, and no matter how much i tried to brighten this image, it was always there, stuck to this part of brain that is responsible for thinking of and planning for future.

and i know an old lady now, who is very lucky to be closely looked after by one of her sons. she is not happy to live this long, but she doesn't want her son to have his own life, she kinda has emprisoned him. she is very mean, though. she has daughters and other sons, but only this son is following what she wants to and is sacrificing so much ... but
she is afraid.
and this fear is so real, so understandable, so brutal.

we are so weak.
and i am afraid too.
afraid to be or to have been a (another) victim of tyranny.
and by tyranny, i mean all those forces or powers (seen or unseen, felt or unfelt) that can control you and your actions, your life and moments, your everything.

----
i am fighting these days to make a change, a sort of transition toward someone else, or maybe even some other person who i always despised to be.
and this is what drives me to write these. i want to dig deep into myself, to find out how i can find some little traces of "other-ness" in me, or any way to revive that, to develop it.
it's really tough.
and i'm not happy about it at all; i blame it all on this damn system (this powerful brutal force), which is not but the result of our own deeds; of us, the selfish stupid creatures.

if i were to confess - II (nothing to brag about...)

i gave what i had, i said what i meant, i meant what i said... all what i had learned...
but, all in vain!
i believed people and what they said, i trusted their "friendships", i took what they said as what they meant, ... (but i was wrong, i have been wrong... always wrong, still wrong!)

i grew more and more, but detached from numerous things in everyday lives of people, their casual relations and "friendships" , from being shallow and superficial, from living a carefree life, from all their manipulative behaviors which were taboos for me and my family, but so normal for them, so normal and part-of-life... and i was so blind!

and my family failed to help... because they remained even more naive than me... !

they were happy with my detachment from many aspects of social life, they called it "protection" and believed in it and encouraged it.
they ignored many things... poor them!
they were so preoccupied with the dangers of growth and social life that ignored my needs as a human, who perhaps wanted to live just like everyone else!
they ignored to know me as the person i was... poor me!

i hated being an apple-polisher, i resented boot-licking and pleasing those in higher position than me; i avoided any reason i had to butter anyone up for...
i never took whatever it takes to get what i want.
never used others to step up higher.
i was never a yes-woman, never a wannabe...
i kept my dignity intact.
i kept my pride high.
i walked tall.
whatever i got was through my own efforts and not even good luck.
i'd learnd to keep my integrity, always, no matter what!

i couldn't enter any sort of relationship whatsoever, just like that, only as an experience, or simply for the sake of growth and learning... because i resented casualness, because i was taught to be serious and avoid "cheap" fun, because i was expected to be dignified and resolute.

i grew up reading "Maxim Gorky"*, "Dostoyevsky"**.
i grew up with "Hedayat", "Behrangi", "Shamlou", "Forough", ...***
while the kids of my generation were reading TinTin... (not that i look down on them)...they had common things to talk about, even after they grew to young men and women... but i usually ended up discussing with older generation, who i had something in common to talk about with!

the damn irony, though, was this bitter truth that those kids had now grown up to people who could wrap everyone round their little fingers, who could easily lie to get to what they want to, who could manipulate anyone to get their jobs done... and i, was and have been left in my world, all alone, left in my taught principles of honesty and purity and innocence... humbleness and being down-to-earth.

and now, i doubt all of those virtues.
i doubt the truth in the freaking life i have lived.
i doubt all the principles and values i have been proud of.
and came all the way down to this point to feel that i don't fit this damn world!
(to be continued...)

*Aleksei Maksimovich Peshkov
**Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
*** Persian(Iranian) writers/poets: (Hedayat, Behrangi, Shamlou, Forough, Forough in wiki)

if i were to confess - I

no nagging or whining!

perhaps millions of people have lived to date who were unhappy about their lives, their being born, their upbringing...
perhaps, millions of other people ignored their own inner voice and their mission as a human, and they lived as happy as larks.

i, personally, was brought up with a close attention to a long list of do's and dont's.
i was taught to develop the virtue and suppress the vile in me.
i was kept away from the ugly realities of this world, from cruelties, selfishnesses, dishonesties, deceptions... ignorance and shallowness, a long list of vile...
(but my parents were wrong by keeping me pasteurized and detatched, as much as they could.)

my first experience of getting exposed to the outer world ended up bringing up a big problem for me and family... i was strong, though... and my parents' support helped me as well to get over it soon.
but what did we learn? my parents felt more worried and feared.
i kinda learned, however, that perhaps i should give it a second thought before trusting people totally!
but i was still immature and naive.

years passed... i lived with purity and innocence pervaded inside home and cruelty and ugliness spread widely outside, while unconsciously i tried to keep a distance from the harshness and ugliness of the society.

but that was a mistake, too. i thought shielding myself will keep me unharmed, but won't prevent me from progress.
but...
(to be continued)

imagine that, imagine that *

needs to be vented...
re-vented
and then forgotten
with time.

----
hey;
i wanted to call this page unforbidden, or even unforgiven,
then i thought of uncensored... but
nelumbo nucifera has lots of characters
that define how i feel now better and might
represent what i'm going to write here wrapped round in an implicit metaphore.

humans, expected to be reasonable and sensible always,
do not strip themselves down to the very core of all their thoughts and intentions...
they want to feel secure...
because others (other humans obviously), though feeling almost the same way, might frame them, jeopardize their status, look down on them, and even cast them out of what they call human society.

yes, that's called human life.
----
* "Watching TV" by Roger Waters - Amused to Death Album