if i were to confess - II (nothing to brag about...)

i gave what i had, i said what i meant, i meant what i said... all what i had learned...
but, all in vain!
i believed people and what they said, i trusted their "friendships", i took what they said as what they meant, ... (but i was wrong, i have been wrong... always wrong, still wrong!)

i grew more and more, but detached from numerous things in everyday lives of people, their casual relations and "friendships" , from being shallow and superficial, from living a carefree life, from all their manipulative behaviors which were taboos for me and my family, but so normal for them, so normal and part-of-life... and i was so blind!

and my family failed to help... because they remained even more naive than me... !

they were happy with my detachment from many aspects of social life, they called it "protection" and believed in it and encouraged it.
they ignored many things... poor them!
they were so preoccupied with the dangers of growth and social life that ignored my needs as a human, who perhaps wanted to live just like everyone else!
they ignored to know me as the person i was... poor me!

i hated being an apple-polisher, i resented boot-licking and pleasing those in higher position than me; i avoided any reason i had to butter anyone up for...
i never took whatever it takes to get what i want.
never used others to step up higher.
i was never a yes-woman, never a wannabe...
i kept my dignity intact.
i kept my pride high.
i walked tall.
whatever i got was through my own efforts and not even good luck.
i'd learnd to keep my integrity, always, no matter what!

i couldn't enter any sort of relationship whatsoever, just like that, only as an experience, or simply for the sake of growth and learning... because i resented casualness, because i was taught to be serious and avoid "cheap" fun, because i was expected to be dignified and resolute.

i grew up reading "Maxim Gorky"*, "Dostoyevsky"**.
i grew up with "Hedayat", "Behrangi", "Shamlou", "Forough", ...***
while the kids of my generation were reading TinTin... (not that i look down on them)...they had common things to talk about, even after they grew to young men and women... but i usually ended up discussing with older generation, who i had something in common to talk about with!

the damn irony, though, was this bitter truth that those kids had now grown up to people who could wrap everyone round their little fingers, who could easily lie to get to what they want to, who could manipulate anyone to get their jobs done... and i, was and have been left in my world, all alone, left in my taught principles of honesty and purity and innocence... humbleness and being down-to-earth.

and now, i doubt all of those virtues.
i doubt the truth in the freaking life i have lived.
i doubt all the principles and values i have been proud of.
and came all the way down to this point to feel that i don't fit this damn world!
(to be continued...)

*Aleksei Maksimovich Peshkov
**Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
*** Persian(Iranian) writers/poets: (Hedayat, Behrangi, Shamlou, Forough, Forough in wiki)