if i were to confess - III
this is not a diary or a bio, i go back and forth... things that are bothering me rush into my head just like that and i don't edit.
selfishness is human heritage. and i believe the more you are selfish, and you expect the others to give service to you, the longer will you live (and by living, i don't mean with honor and joy or productivity), the longer will you suffer, the more will you be a burden on the others' shoulders...
when i was 21 or so, once i was sitting with firends talking of many things, suddenly the question of "how long would you like to live?" was brought up. to their surprise, i said: 48.
i couldn't see myself growing into an old person, and being dependent on others, or unhealthy...
it's strange because upto that point, my grand-parents, both the living and dead ones, had been living good lives, independent and healthy.
but weren't there some unconscious things/events that made me feel like that?
when i look back, i remember when i was still 4-7 years old, i always felt very moved seeing any old person walking in the street, especially if they had a stooped back and deep lines on face and hands, or seeing an old person, all in poor clothings, begging money from the passers-by.
i felt so helpless and i remember how much i wanted to do something or make others pay attention.
i grew up while my childhood games (call it "play house") with my brother or my freinds, were all me wanting to pretend to be a homeless, living in the street... starving and feeling cold!
i do believe that child-hood thoughts and events can impact the personality when you grow up.
but i have never got round to find the sources of these childhood thoughts and emotions.
my mom didn't like this game i liked so much to play then, so i used to play it when she wasn't around...
when i was younger, around 18-24, i used to see my future very bleak, and no matter how much i tried to brighten this image, it was always there, stuck to this part of brain that is responsible for thinking of and planning for future.
and i know an old lady now, who is very lucky to be closely looked after by one of her sons. she is not happy to live this long, but she doesn't want her son to have his own life, she kinda has emprisoned him. she is very mean, though. she has daughters and other sons, but only this son is following what she wants to and is sacrificing so much ... but
she is afraid.
and this fear is so real, so understandable, so brutal.
we are so weak.
and i am afraid too.
afraid to be or to have been a (another) victim of tyranny.
and by tyranny, i mean all those forces or powers (seen or unseen, felt or unfelt) that can control you and your actions, your life and moments, your everything.
----
i am fighting these days to make a change, a sort of transition toward someone else, or maybe even some other person who i always despised to be.
and this is what drives me to write these. i want to dig deep into myself, to find out how i can find some little traces of "other-ness" in me, or any way to revive that, to develop it.
it's really tough.
and i'm not happy about it at all; i blame it all on this damn system (this powerful brutal force), which is not but the result of our own deeds; of us, the selfish stupid creatures.
selfishness is human heritage. and i believe the more you are selfish, and you expect the others to give service to you, the longer will you live (and by living, i don't mean with honor and joy or productivity), the longer will you suffer, the more will you be a burden on the others' shoulders...
when i was 21 or so, once i was sitting with firends talking of many things, suddenly the question of "how long would you like to live?" was brought up. to their surprise, i said: 48.
i couldn't see myself growing into an old person, and being dependent on others, or unhealthy...
it's strange because upto that point, my grand-parents, both the living and dead ones, had been living good lives, independent and healthy.
but weren't there some unconscious things/events that made me feel like that?
when i look back, i remember when i was still 4-7 years old, i always felt very moved seeing any old person walking in the street, especially if they had a stooped back and deep lines on face and hands, or seeing an old person, all in poor clothings, begging money from the passers-by.
i felt so helpless and i remember how much i wanted to do something or make others pay attention.
i grew up while my childhood games (call it "play house") with my brother or my freinds, were all me wanting to pretend to be a homeless, living in the street... starving and feeling cold!
i do believe that child-hood thoughts and events can impact the personality when you grow up.
but i have never got round to find the sources of these childhood thoughts and emotions.
my mom didn't like this game i liked so much to play then, so i used to play it when she wasn't around...
when i was younger, around 18-24, i used to see my future very bleak, and no matter how much i tried to brighten this image, it was always there, stuck to this part of brain that is responsible for thinking of and planning for future.
and i know an old lady now, who is very lucky to be closely looked after by one of her sons. she is not happy to live this long, but she doesn't want her son to have his own life, she kinda has emprisoned him. she is very mean, though. she has daughters and other sons, but only this son is following what she wants to and is sacrificing so much ... but
she is afraid.
and this fear is so real, so understandable, so brutal.
we are so weak.
and i am afraid too.
afraid to be or to have been a (another) victim of tyranny.
and by tyranny, i mean all those forces or powers (seen or unseen, felt or unfelt) that can control you and your actions, your life and moments, your everything.
----
i am fighting these days to make a change, a sort of transition toward someone else, or maybe even some other person who i always despised to be.
and this is what drives me to write these. i want to dig deep into myself, to find out how i can find some little traces of "other-ness" in me, or any way to revive that, to develop it.
it's really tough.
and i'm not happy about it at all; i blame it all on this damn system (this powerful brutal force), which is not but the result of our own deeds; of us, the selfish stupid creatures.
posted by paradox at 4:38 PM
2 Comments:
i guess i fixed the problem that this comment part had.
seems now it accepts comments from anyone.
Iam glad the problem has been fixed.
It is interesting how having a long life can be a sort of punishment for some whose selfishness and egotism have caused harm or injury. There are several stories along those lines in Baha'i history.
When my wife was in her early 30's my wife used to say she didn't want to live much past 50. Of course, she is well past that age now and has changed her tune considerably. Thank goodness!
All of your vignettes bring personal examples to mind.
"There is no prison but the prison of self."
Post a Comment
<< Home