if i were to confess - IV (some flashbacks and...)

i have this craving for writing now, well... i still have time to catch up before the final exam on the 14th and project demo on the 11th of Dec.

i was maybe 18-19 when there were a series of classic movies on the big screen for a week or so in Tehran and although it wasn't easy to get the tickets, i remember i cut out the list from the paper and highlighted some and went to stand in lines for hours to see them.

one of them was The Passion of Joan of Arc, translated as the "Troubles of Jeanne d'Arc" in Persian. i was really moved by the film, i also read some reviews about it on the film journals, and found out how the girl who played the role of Jeanne changed all the way during the shooting. she never made another film afterwards and although she wasn't a method actor, she got affected so much by the role she slipped into that her life altered.
this i could not forget for a long time.

a few years later, i noticed how passionately some friends and co-workers were talking about the character of Scarlet in "Gone With The Wind" and the girl who played the role of Scarlet, and how close she had found her own character to Scarlet's in the story. i hadn't seen the film, i hadn't read the book and was curious about what they are talking about. they were also so interested in "The Thorn Birds" and the character of the girl (whose name i don't remember) in the movie.
i got these two movies from friends and watched them. well i know i shouldn't compare these two, but to me they were kinda cheesy dramas, especially the latter; and the chracters of the girls, well, not so deep that i expected!

i never got round to finish the "Gone With The wind" novel that my friend lent me and recommanded me to read. but i do remember when i was interested in English Literature at school, i first found Robert Frost's works interesting, then those of T.S. Elliot, then Yeats, Sylvia Path, Emily Dickinson, Shakespeare, ... and read their works day and night, then was nicely recommanded by my teacher to read J.D. Salinger's , particularly "The Catcher in the Rye". although i never had the chance to find the original book in Iran(then) and its translation was collected from the bookstores (as a result of censorship at the time), i finally read it when i came here, which became one of my fave books and led me to read more of his works...

now, when i talk to people of my generation (excluding some of those whose fields of study have been literature, film-making, creative writing, liberal arts) i feel it hard to find a serious subject to discuss for at least an hour.

it's so sad to see that many young people are only into partying and clubbing, latest fashion, make-up secrets, muscle toning and diet programs, cars, video games, latest cell-phones, BlackBerry, iPod, , ... and they judge you only by these criteria. (sadly enough they don't even try to choose the talents in the world of, say, fashion, make-up, music,... but follow blindly what is fed into them by mainstream media.)
not to mention what they seek to do as a career is taking easy rides of doing simple jobs that don't challenge their brains/creativity much.
this is a worldwide issue, although to my obseration, it gets uglier and deeper among the young people of my own country, which i will get back to in my later posts!

i have this "friend" who's changed her path since 5-6 years ago so much so that now she says: "they don't judge you by what qualifications you have, but by how much money you make. and i look forward to stepping high enough to make at least 60k by doing "administrative assitant", "secretarial" job someday soon."
and if you ask her to name a movie she likes, she immediately screams: "Alfie", and if you ask her to name a music band she likes most, she will stare at you like you're questioning her on quantum physics. well, obviously you can't be so mean to ask her to name a writer or a great film-maker, ..., eh?

but where am I and where is she standing now?
i'm left behind ... trying to make ends meet, unhappy, unmotivated, in doubt, ... in despair.
and she? joyous, happy, just got two mortgages, ... moving to a better-paid job, you name it.

if the system doesn't mind that you lie in your resume, lie in your job interview, lie to your co-workers, boss,..., what is the problem then?
i don't know... the problem is perhaps me and people like me who can't conform to this freaking situation, when you should choose vile over the virtue in order to survive.

* more on "The Passion of Joan of Arc" just in case you are interested.